A tale of a second grader on Zoloft

Today is day 6 and even though we experienced a little bit of reluctance to get to school today, and she had some small episodes at lunch...moments of intense breathing, and nausea, most of the day today has been a success.

I had some unlady-like moments with the school administration this morning, but aside from pencil pushing hall monitors yanking my chain, today has been relatively good for Monkey.

Bean is no longer grossing her out, and she does not feel the need to run into her room and slam the door in his face. What a relief...that was the hardest part, seeing her change towards him. He simply adores her, and you could tell he did not understand what the heck was going on while she was running from him and screaming.

Its crazy what irrational fears can do to you. I will never again look at panic the same again. Monkeys social worker shared something really relative with me recently, she compared dealing with a person in the middle of a panic attack to trying to get a cat into the shower. It made perfect sense, and that is exactly how things have been for the past month or so. I actually video taped some of the attacks for her doctor, and may show them to promote awareness of what these serious cases actually entail.

Thank you all for your loving comments and concerns. I knew that even though there are moms that are most likely shaking their heads at my decision to medicate her, there would be even more supportive and open minded moms to offer support.

Free2bMommy

Up up update on Monkey

The appointment went fabulous, even though trust me, there were many times when I thought "what a bunch of wackos we are!"

Having constant anxiety can make you feel like a prisoner in your own body, you are often frozen by fear and unable to think rationally. You want to scream and run away. With me, it is large crowds and too many different sounds at once. Sometimes I find myself wanting to shout "shuuuuut the f_ck up!" It is complete "fight or flight." I hate to think that Monkey is going through this experience, but I am glad that I know enough about it to get her the help she needs to calm her nerves.

What a pain to be hindered by irrational fears. Monkey must have peaked in the door 5 times to make sure I was still there during a time when the doctor wanted to speak to only me. She is afraid that I will leave her a often times runs in the room strickened with fear of the thought that I might have left her without telling her.

The doctor mentioned that we would be learning to manage her anxiety and panic. She plans on teaching us ways to keep anxiety and panic attacks from taking over. Right away, I was thinking "great, here we go...123....321...what the heck is bothering me?" I was pleasantly surprised when she was able to share an exercise with Monkey that I could actually see has the potential to work!

Monkey and her first trip to the anxiety lady

Monkey is going to see a specialist today for her anxiety and extreme panic attacks. I really hope that we make some progress even if its just a tiny bit. Monkey needs someone who is willing to listen to her that she maybe feels comfortable with not judging her. I am actually hopeful and look forward to meeting her.

I was forwarded to all sorts of people for the entire day last Tues.! I was sooooo frustrated and wanted to crawl in the corner and cry. I was trying to get her in to see the Texas Children's Hospital Psychiatric and Psychology department, but that list is full until July! I called a couple of other known children services but was very intimidated and discouraged by the interactions I had with the people who answered the phones at these places.

When I called the Dr. she will be seeing today, the lady over the phone actually listened and sounded concerned. She seemed to actually give a crap about what I was calling about. This Dr. seems amazing from what I have researched on her, and Monkey is super excited to meet her.

Strange for a child to be so desperate for help that they are actually excited to be going to the doctor. This does not sound like a child who is pretending to me...

WAHM day #1

So, I was thinking about what I was going to write about and thought that it would be neat to chronicle the next 30 days and see how I feel at day 15, 28, and especially day 30.

Of course this will not be the only posts. Some days I am sure will be ridiculously boring, sending you a "sorry about that" way ahead of time.

Day #1

So far so good. Woke up at 9:00 and cut Bean a green apple. I tried to give him cheerios and a sippy with milk, but he soon rejected that attempt by throwing every last one of the cheerios onto the floor.

I don't think that you ever stop questioning your decisions until you see the results of them. So even though I am a little apprehensive about not having my "official job", and I cannot say that my heart does not start to pump like its going to pump itself right on out when I think about this. I cant deny that I have thought about the fact that almost everyone I know is at work and I gave it all up to stay at home with Bean! It literally started to race just talking about it racing! Anxiety table for 1 please! Please bring extra bread!

I think its important that no matter what type of decision you make, when you begin to ask yourself if you "made the right choice", you really need to think about all the reasons for that choice. I personally just have to think about a couple of reasons and the ticker goes back to its normal working mode. I can even smile when I think about those reasons. I become enthusiastic once again about all of the great things I will be able to do because of that decision and I am again in home mommy bliss.

Thanks for the therapy session!

Free2bMommy