Mean B_tch Monday - Relatives that just dont get it

If you are saying or thinking "WTF is Mean B_tch Monday?" I wont hold it against you...for too long. Educate yourself HERE!

This week I am keeping it short, not so sweet, and to the point. Why do relatives just not get it?

I mean, really. You are sooooooo annoying!! Stop kissing their asses and act like a normal human being already. Sometimes I want things to be the way that they were, only I don't even know you anymore and I sometimes feel like a stranger around you. We were having such a great time catching up and laughing and then they walk in and you disappear to go sit with them like this little clique of fifty year olds. How is that fair? You are so incredibly spineless. I use to admire you and want to be like you...what a joke.

In the end...it is you, that I feel sorry for.

For the MBM Archives CLICK HERE!

Until next time friends!

Mean B_tch Monday...not just yet.

Sometimes even I find that I have nothing to write for Mean B_tch Monday. Yes, its true. I have spent the entire weekend getting ready for our first official day of homeschool and thought that it would be more appropriate to post about that, rather then be a b_tch. Although...I will have a little bit of that later.

The hubby and I spent all day yesterday, transforming the kids old bedroom into a family office/homeschool room. We sat down with both of them and told them that it was about time they figured out how they were going to support themselves and make plans to find a place of their own. hahaha! No not really, we just shifted them to another room! The room is an average size room, once we were able to get all the crap out of it. This project actually started weeks ago, when we started with phase one, which included throwing out tons of trash and toys that were literally swallowing my kids whole. I swear a little troll was living in there with them.

My hubby being the bad ass handy man that he is, added about 4 electric plugs and ran all sorts of cables and wires so that each desk was well equiped to maintain their computer setup. We are finally printing wireless!! I feel so special and hightech. I still scratch my head at how that is even possible.

Anyway, I already previewed the materials for her first lessons (1 of which I teach-wkbook style) and the others that are all online. Wish me luck friends!

Drunken stories worth telling

When I turned 18, yeeeeeeears ago! I went to this club that I am too embarrassed to admit to now, with a couple of friends of mine. One was a BFF (of the moment) and the other was this guy that to this day I have no freaking idea why I hung out with. Anyway, we get to drinking (Illegally) and partying and pretending to be grown and before you know it....everything was a freaking blur! We all start dancing with random guys with our beer goggles on, and when it was time to go, my BFF and I start to look for our guy friend who accompanied us. Somehow we had lost him...maybe purposely? I honestly don't remember. My friend and I are all wasted and singing and acting goofy, thinking that we will find him at any minute, as the house lights turn on.

Hmmmm...where is that little ass? So since the crowd was pushing outward we headed out too. It occurred to me that he had been holding my car keys...HELLO party dresses don't have pockets!! So, we decided to go and wait by the car for him to show up.

Ummmmm...one problem...the car was not where I parked it...panic begins to set in. WTF?!! My dad is going to freaking kill me!!!!! What do I do? What do I do? What do I do???!! Think straight Dee...concentrate!! Get it together!!! This is serious!!!

My friend and I are standing there in the middle of this parking lot with drunk creepo guys grabbing at us, honking , and saying all sorts of crap to us. I want my mommy!!!!

We waited there for what felt like an eternity...we asked to borrow someones cell (when cells where not something you just carried around) and I tried to call him...no freaking answer!! That son of a b_tch!!! The lot started emptying out, and as I was about to give up, when I see my car coming around the corner. He opens the door and of course in true Dee fashion, I start b_tching him out. He said something about getting his tooth knocked out by some guy who was dancing with us...bla...bla...bla...

Me: "Oh you want to leave me b_tch? You want to leave me alone and take off in my own car? How about we do this...how about you find your way home? F_ck you!" <---middle finger up!

I left him where he stood...far far far away from his home on the ghetto side of town. Was not the first time and would not be the last...I have left people on the side of the road for far less offenses. Sorry. No actually Im not, I still laugh about it every time I tell that story. Gets better every time!! hahaha!!! Sucka!!!!

Why I suck at being a mom sometimes!

So, Im sitting on the couch munching on the leftover soggy waffles from the kids, and here comes Bean with his fairly large sailboat.

Me: "Ummmm...why is it wet?"

Bean: "Urh urh urh....grunt grunt." <---while pointing.

Me: "Beeeeean what did you do?" <--I already know his guilty face...I'm getting scared.

Bean silently walks off while still pointing...I follow and step on something wet...its a water droplet. Crap. WTF did he do? I keep walking and see him heading to the bathroom. Please don't go in the bathroom, please don't go in the bathroom!! <---in my head.

He goes into the bathroom and just stands there and grunts. Why is the toilet seat wet with water?

My horrible fear confirmed...apparently Bean was sailing his boat in the toilet. Which in itself is not the safest place for him to be...literally he must have been in there for like 1 minute max, while I sat and stuffed my face watching Barney. We don't leave toilet seat down around here...I have a horrible fear of Bean drowning in the toilet...but TODAY...daddy left it open. Deep breath....let it out.

Me: "BEAN!! GROSS!! Where you playing in the toilet?! "

Bean: "grunt grunt giggle"

Me: "Nasty boy! I mean...uhhh I mean...the toilet is nasty not you Bean, but it is nasty to play in the toilet!"

After throwing up in my mouth a little, I rushed him over to the sink and washed his hands and arms with lots of soap. Luckily only the boat was really wet...his hands, not so much. This would be a first for me friends...toilet play? Urgh!!!

Please tell me you have a toilet play story...

What I like about you blogista Biotch!

I use b_tch and biotch with the upmost respect, if that even makes sense...

A Letter to All of my Favorite Blogistas!

This letter has a little bit of all of my favorite bloggers! Enjoy!

A good read is hard to come by these days in the blog world. I get bored, and easily smell bullshit through the keyboard, ending in me never reading that blog again! I love reading all sorts of blogs, on different types of subjects as long as they keep it true. I like to see pics of your kids playing in the rain, coloring, cooking, swimming, and doing other insanely kidriffic things! I love hearing the stories about how like mine, your hubby is not always helpful and how your marriage is not perfect or cookie cutter. It makes me feel human, knowing that we are not as dysfunctional as I originally thought. Thanks for sharing the kick butt road trips that y'all take, complete with great beach pics and videos that we all so conveniently leave ourselves out of. Yes, I do care about your drunken escapades and the friend who is a stalker that you cant name because she reads your blog. I am absolutely freaking amazed at the words you continue to come up with using some of the most vulgar cuss words in the English Language...my personal favorite "F_cktards!"

Hearing you complain about your mother in law is hilarious, and can only be topped by a post following an unexpected week long visit from said favorite MIL!! I enjoy reading about your wine, vomit, raspberries, cheerios, Taco Tuesday, sleepless nights, and LIZARDS! I think its awesome that you put too much bubble stuff in the hotel jacuzzi and then proceeded to post pics of the whole thing!! I get the biggest kick out of the fact that you "Comment therefore, you are!" You make me roll around (in my head) with laughter! Thank you fellow bloggers for sharing your shameless moments with me and thank you even more for being unapologetic for being you!

If you could see me, I would be holding up my bud light in its hot pink koozie and shouting "Here is to all of you, you all know who you are."

Dee

How hot is your city?!

Sculpture by the Sea fair in Tamarama Beach
Created by The Glue Society

It is hot!!! I am sweaty and feel gross!! TMI? Nah!

It was 103 degrees yesterday, and that was not even factoring the high humidity!! So, I see you nodding your head and agreeing. You think your city is hot? Tell me about it! How hot was it yesterday in your city??!! I guess I can let you feel special today.

Yesterday was the hottest day of the year so far, and I truly believe the devil himself was vacationing right here in Houston because DAMN it was hot!! Did I mention it was hot?

I walk inside and it takes me like an hour to cool off, and now its about to rain? WTF is that all about! STOP PLAYING WITH ME!!! I cant take it!!!

ps. Its HOT!

Had to be Mexicans!

At first I was going to say "only Mexicans would have their kids right in the middle of that, then I saw momma come up and grab their asses quick...not a moment too soon!

Is anyone else grossed out by greasy guys in bikinis?!